Dave's Theory of Meat

Okay, folks...  It's time to gather around for another story from Australia...  However, I'm going to have to tell it to you Pulp Fiction style--or to clarify, the timeline is going to be all over the place.  So, please bear with me on this.  Trust me, it'll be worth it!

"Oh, no, you didn't!"

Sydney:  Monday, June 22, 2009

This was our last day in Sydney.  We decided to take a trip out to the suburbs via the subway and by bus to the Featherdale Wildlife Park that afternoon.  Animals were roaming around in abundance, but when we tried to feed them food in a wafer ice cream cone (that we paid an Australian Dollar or two for), they appeared nonchalant, uninterested, and probably fed up with being fed by the visitors before us--except for the emus...and these little bastards were not nice at all!

If you had food of any kind, any emu in sight would just start pecking away aggressively (yes, I deliberately highlighted it in blood red on purpose) with their sharp, sharp beaks!  As you can see from my wife's blurred left hand, she jerked back while still holding the cone of food at the time I took the shot.  "Here, Dave...  Your turn..."

"Now, I don't feel so bad about eating
one of your cousins a few nights ago!"

Surely, this experience couldn't be as bad as Khan the Evil Camel, right?  That one's a toss-up for me as I was going to get something chewed on by one creature or pecked at by another.  (As for my wife, Khan still took first place, though.)

So, I fared about as bad as my wife did.  After a couple of minutes walking around to find a kangaroo to eat the thing, I gave up and tossed it in the trash.  (I wasn't about to reward the emus for their bad behavior.)

If there was one thing that we learned from our last day in Australia, it was that emus are very evil creatures...

Here, you see the aggressive version
of a kangaroo.  They are soft, cuddly, and
do not possess bloodthirsty, sharp beaks.

Phillip Island:  Saturday, June 13, 2009

This was an animal-filled day involving Kangaroos, Koalas, and Penguins, oh my!

It was our last day in our first of four stops in Australia, the State of Victoria.  We decided to take our rental car all the way from our hotel in Melbourne to the Phillip Island Penguin Parade.  (Spoiler alert:  We did not eat penguin!)  Along the way, we stopped at the Maru Koala and Animal Park and Mini Golf (don't ask how the mini golf got in there; I don't know), which was a miracle in itself because the wildfires of early 2009 (their summer) burned it down. In such a short time (about 4-5 months), they were able to rebuild and bring back the animals.  (Spoiler alert:  We did not eat koalas, either!)  What was even more amazing was the experience with the kangaroos!

Heather and one of the
non-stalking kangaroos...

They were very social creatures that liked interacting with human beings!  (Okay, they were really after our food.  At least they were nicer about it than the bloodthirsty emus were...)

Needless to say, they were very appreciative of the food and were very photogenic.  One of the kangaroos was so appreciative, my wife gained a stalker that kept on following her, begging for food.  It was cute the first couple of times, but after a while, it started getting to be annoying.  So, we set the little bowl down on the ground and let them have a free for all.  Too bad the stalker roo got there first, though...

If there was one thing that we learned that day, it was that we knew we wanted to see more kangaroos at our other destinations because they were very loving and social creatures!


Ayers Rock/Yulara:  Thursday,June 18, 2009

So, after sundown, there really wasn't much to do in the area because we're in the middle of the desert with no other signs of civilization for at least several hundred kilometers!  In this case, what's there to do?  Eat...like a king...that has to grill his own food...and his wife's...at an outrageous price of over US $40 or AU $50.  Folks, that's what we call price gouging, which is apparently allowed by the Aboriginal Tribal Council...  (Joy.)  However, we did get quite a selection of meat!  So, there should be some consolation there...

For AU $26.70, you get a kangaroo skewer, a
crocodile kabob, emu sausage, two beef
sausages, and an unlimited salad bar!

So, we toss the meat on the grill and the experience didn't turn out to be half as bad as we thought it would be.  The food was excellent (in some regards)!  Ranking it from #'s 4 to 1, here's how I rank how delicious each meat tasted:

#4 - Kangaroo skewer:  It was very bland and tough...and I felt bad in the morning with flashbacks from Maru.  It probably wasn't very evil in life.  Nor was it tasty in death.

#3 - Beef sausage:  There was nothing special to write home about, but they weren't bad, either.  I believe these were offered as "fillers" to keep the carnivorous customers happy...sort of.  The cow's evilness was probably just a notch above kangaroo's.  Its' tasty factor was the same.

#2 - Crocodile kabob:  This was unusually chewy and an easy eat.  It probably was very evil in life, mostly thanks to the late Steve Irwin.  This also happened to be very tasty in death.

#1 - Emu sausage:  Extremely evil.  Extremely delicious.  Enough said.

Introducing the meats: emu sausage (far
left), crocodile kabob (white, middle),
kangaroo skewer (far right), and beef
sausages (underneath crocodile kabob
and kangaroo skewer).

Dave's Theory of Meat:

So, my theory of meat is, and repeat after me:

"The more evil that animal was in life, the more delicious that animal will be in death!"

I also proposed adding the phrase "...and much tastier with a Carlton Black!"  However, that might be taking it a bit too far.  Carlton Black is awesome regardless if there is any food or not.  That was the best dark beer I had in Australia...

Amen...